REVIEW: Captain America Sucks; And The Movie's Pretty Bad, Too

I'm gonna give it to you straight: Don't see any of the superhero movies that came out this summer; Thor, Priest, Green Lantern-- they're all just so terrible (Green Lantern especially). You might often wonder how these multimillion-dollar icons get so effectively run into the ground by the very people who are supposed to be experts at handling beloved franchises, but movies like Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Tron, the Resident Evil atrocities, and Clash of the Titans are all examples that Hollywood truly does not care about what you think. But we knew that; the real problem is that nobody cares about Thor and Green Lantern. Of course they have massive fan bases (as all heroes do, regardless of quality) and plenty of people who will flock to the theaters like cows to a slaughterhouse to see their childhood heroes defaced by incredibly overzealous special effects, shoddy 3D, and weak screenwriting. But first, let me say that my definition of “nobody” is the entire movie-going mass. DC has only one character who's worth a damn and any normal human couldn't name five Thor villains if you tied him (trust me, it is a “him”) to an easy chair and sliced his ear off.

"Odin! Odin was sort of a bad guy, right!? Oh, Jesus, I don't want to die!"

Yes, some people do like these heroes, but unless your film is accessible to everyone, it will suck. I hate to say it, but until the end of December, the movies should all be big-name blockbusters where everyone in the audience has a thorough understanding of the prettyboy in spandex fucking up bad guys on the silver screen. Summer is no season for cult appeal, the only appeal Thor and Green Lantern poses.

"Hiiiipsteeerrr..."

Don't get me wrong; I love indie film projects that have no choice but to rely on solid directing and acting in order to stand out instead of rendering so many CG explosions backed by a star-studded cast that the viewer has a controlled seizure that cost $140 million to make and-- holy fuck, did that shit say 140 million!? You mean to tell me that Captain America took 1,400,000 Benjamins out of Hollywood's pocket, money that could have gone towards a sequel to District 9 or, like, Zombieland 2? Fuck that! I think it's high time we got to the topic of this post: Seeing Captain America is worse than being locked in a room full of feral cats. Hungry feral cats.

The reason why I went on my whole tirade about cult heroes is because I've always expected that a hero movie I've never heard of would suck; if I haven't heard of it, there's probably a good reason, and I can name a lot of superheros. Captain America wasn't supposed to be that. Anyone who owns a white picket fence or has ever ingested an apple pie knows his name, and if your family never purchased his magazine or Action Comics on a credit card, I'm pretty sure you were blacklisted. It's a known fact that, in the 50's, the street test was comprised completely by questions about baseball, John Wayne movies and Buck Rogers chronology. What I'm saying here is that the only person who didn't know 'Cap died on the east side of the Berlin Wall twenty-three years ago.

"Red Star, here I come..."

So, by virtue of this review, I guess this makes me a communist, just like the dirty Reds who destroyed this movie. My personal theory is that commie sleeper spies by the names Joe Johnston (the director) and Kevin Feige (the writer) were activated one year ago and their ulterior goal was to deface our most beloved propaganda figure with overtly long dance numbers and that horrendous Hayley Atwell. But that's just me. Here's the real reasons why this movie was terrible:

Besides, y'know, the obvious.

First off, you know all that epic shit that scorches your corneas in the “gritty” trailer? Yeah, that all happens in a montage that lasts about two minutes. None of it was nearly as kickass at it should have been and once it's over, you're left there slouching in the theater like a jackass-- because you realize what a horrible waste five dollars was for this toe-tag of a ticket-- but also because you're now wondering “That's...that's it? What the hell are they going to do for the rest of this movie!?” It would be like if the zero-gravity fistfight in Inception happened in the first ten minutes and the rest was, like, Matrix Revolutions or something.

The rest of the film spends all its time that should have been used on the much-needed character development (which was literally nonexistent) trying to live up to the over-the-top action seen by all the other glowing money holes that came out over the last four months; Transformers had wingsuits, Super 8 had a big-ass train wreck (and sort of Cloverfield), Apollo 18 had moon spiders, Hanna had Eric goddamn Bana, Contagion had bullet-sweating tension-- what do you have, Captain “America!?” Nothing, that's what!

Captain America could have been fantastic. It could have led the charge towards the inevitable Avengers film, but sadly, only Christopher Nolan and John Favreau are aloud to make good superhero flicks now. I do understand that maybe Hollywood is just trying to rush through all the heroes in the Ultimates universe, and maybe that movie will be an epic storm of epilepsy and glee. But that sentence truly describes what's wrong with the industry. All they really care about is making money, which is understandable to an extent. They've ultimately ruined every good hero, with Batman being the only saving grace, all for the purpose of adding more and more franchises to their (apparent) communist resume. Just making the movies exist is good enough for them.

And just making these exist is good enough for me.

I only laughed when they showed Battleship (seriously) in the previews and I only cried when I remembered the ticket price. I seriously cannot stress how misleading and disappointing this movie is. The only thing it has over Green Lantern is the lack of an audience of eternal virgins and it wasn't cast by someone with crippling insanity.

"What the hell do you mean 'no sequel?' Why in the fuck did I dress like this!?"

Brought to you-- with great affection and care-- by Jack's Highly Classified Zombie Survival Guide. For all your undead-related queries, look no further. Jack's got all the answers-- I should know since he did save me from that situation in that dead-end alley.